“I know I didn't do anything wrong. So why do I feel so bad?”
Most people who come to see me don't arrive talking about guilt or shame. They come because they're tired. Chronic stress, burnout, low mood, a quiet feeling of never being quite good enough. They replay conversations in their head and blame themselves. They second-guess every decision. Some are high achievers who keep raising the bar a little higher. Others have stopped taking risks altogether, and over the years their world has gotten smaller and smaller.
When we look a little closer, guilt and shame are very often sitting underneath.
Guilty for simply having needs
What I see in my office is people who feel guilty for things that aren't wrong at all. Guilty for saying no. Guilty for asserting their needs. Guilty for resting, for not having energy, for being sick, as if being tired or unwell made them weak. Guilty for setting limits with their family.
None of these go against anyone's values. And yet the guilt shows up, loud and convincing, as if they had done something terrible.
Guilt and shame are not the same thing
We often use the two words as if they meant the same thing, and they can absolutely show up together. But they're different.
Guilt is about what we did. It shows up when our actions don't line up with our values.
Shame goes deeper. Shame says: “Because of what I do or don't do, I'm bad. I'm unworthy.” It's no longer about a behaviour. It's about who you are.
What shame looks like in everyday life
Shame rarely introduces itself by name. More often, it looks like:
- Low confidence, and constantly comparing yourself to others
- Isolating, or not taking your space in a group
- Feeling less than the people around you
- Avoiding putting yourself out there
- Not holding your space in your relationships
- Accepting less than you deserve
Where it comes from
Guilt and shame don't come out of nowhere. Very often, they were learned early. Some of the roots I see most often are critical parenting, emotional neglect, and mistakes or failures that were never met with compassion and support. Being compared to a brother or sister. Growing up in a home where grades and performance came first. Families or cultures where individual needs and emotions were dismissed.
I also see it a lot in people who live between cultures, pulled between different identities, never sure which version of themselves is the right one.
You were a child, and you adapted to what you had. Over the years, that way of seeing yourself simply became your default.
Healthy guilt, and the guilt that protects you
Not all guilt is a problem. Healthy guilt shows up when we've acted in a way that doesn't fit our values. It doesn't drown us. It gets channelled into repair: an apology, a conversation, a different path next time. Then it lets go.
The other kind of guilt doesn't lead to repair. My view is that it only protects you from the fear of losing someone's approval, a relationship, or an old identity that once kept you safe. It's a protector doing its job, long after the job is done.
How we work with guilt and shame in therapy
In my work, I mostly use two approaches.
With IFS (Internal Family Systems), we meet the part of you that carries the guilt or the shame. Not to fight it or get rid of it, but to meet it with compassion, presence and acceptance. Parts that are met this way tend to soften.
With EMDR, we explore the core beliefs underneath, like “I'm not good enough” or “my needs are too much”, and the memories that formed them. Then we process those memories, so they lose their charge. What we learn and do is to break free from those old critical beliefs and parts, and adopt new ones that actually serve who we are today.
What changes as shame loosens
What I see is people slowly discovering what they want and what they don't want, what they're comfortable with and what they're not. Often for the first time.
They learn to take their space without taking over anyone else's. They become a little more assertive, while still caring about other people's needs. They carry themselves a little taller, and sometimes you can literally see it in their posture. They take a few more risks. The chatter of self-doubt and self-consciousness in their mind gets quieter.
Little by little, they give themselves permission to live a bit more for themselves, without feeling guilty about it. And they feel more empowered, and more alive.
A story from my office
I think of one client (details changed, of course) who came in after years of feeling low and depressed. She didn't know who she was anymore. She wasn't sure there was anything right about her. She didn't enjoy anything, compared herself to everyone, and had very little motivation or energy. She had lost her spark many years before.
Our work helped her understand how her story had shaped who she was today. She learned to validate herself, to acknowledge herself, to recognise that her feelings and needs were valid. She shifted what she expected of herself and of others, and she started standing up for herself in a different way.
Her mood has improved a lot. She's taking a few more risks. And slowly, she's allowing herself to become the person she had lost for so many years.
Something you can try this week
- Pause. The next time guilt shows up, ask yourself: did I actually do something that goes against my values?
- If the answer is yes, that's healthy guilt. Ask yourself what repair could look like, and then let it go.
- If the answer is no, the feeling may be old, and it may not belong to this situation. Ask yourself: how could I look at this differently? What would I say to a friend in my place?
- Offer yourself a little understanding. Try compassion instead of criticism. Even a small amount counts.
I'll be honest: this is hard to do on your own. These feelings and the thoughts that come with them have often been with us for so long that we're fused with them. We don't feel them as something we carry. We feel them as who we are. Therapy can help you step back from them, so you can finally see them for what they are.